


Of ghosts in love

by L1233



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, he's repressed. your honour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:29:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24249586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L1233/pseuds/L1233
Summary: This is Noel's breaking point, hatred coils sourly in the pit of his stomach, and he knows the fallout is going to wreak him whole, but he doesn't care anymore.From w0t_up_b0is prompt: Noel is starting to question his sexuality and relationship with Cody. It starts to become way too much for him and he manages to turn his confusion into hatred.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 7
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Quick disclaimer: this is a work of fiction, I don't know anything about the boy's real lives, so all scenarios are made up. (This is just me projecting my shitty past on random people on the internet, don't mind me and enjoy the ride 🌻)

Noel wanted to believe he was different from his dad, he wanted to be open minded and not shelter himself in what was ingrained on his mind since he was a little boy, he saw what that did to people around you, his mother's cries and frustration constantly reminded him what the aftermath of fear instead of love was in a home, _'you're good, Noel. You're a good man,'_ she told him before he left her, and his past behind.

He knew it wasn't going to be easy, and even if the thought of therapy didn't quite sit well with him yet, he tried each day to unlearn his teachings and replace them with healthier ones. Noel thought he was doing okay, all things considered, but apparently he wasn't, he wasn't doing okay at all.

"Dude!" Cody shakes him out of his head and into the present, where his friend is holding his ringing phone in his direction, Noel takes it a second too late, and the black screen stares back at him almost mockingly, but he's not too worried, _if they need me, they'll call again_. "Yeah, I'm good...what- hum, what were you saying?" He asks scratching the back of his head as he sees Cody sit back against the couch, his legs stretch before him and Noel can't help but stare at his strong thighs, his friend's work at the gym is paying off well he thinks, so that's what he says, cutting Cody off mid rant, he looks at him weirdly and Noel swears there's a faint redness to his cheeks that wasn't there before. "Umm, thanks dude, I guess?" He finishes awkwardly and Noel straightens on his chair, _what the fuck is wrong with him?_ He berates himself harshly, shifting almost imperceptibly at making his friend uncomfortable. "I'm beat, Cody," he rubs his right eye, invoking the supposed tiredness he's feeling. "Can't we do this tomorrow?" He asks, avoiding Cody's scrutinizing gaze, Noel doesn't wait for an answer as he stands on shaky feet and walks to his room. "What's wrong, Noel?" Cody presses on, ignoring the warning signs. "Nothing, man, I told you, I'm just tired." He fists his hands at his sides even though he knows he's not being fair. "Okay then, dinner is on me tonight," Cody deflects at the last moment and Noel doesn't bother to correct him. If he wants to buy food when it's not his day, then who's Noel to say no?

He doesn't dignify that with an answer and just locks the door once he's inside his room. Noel hates when he gets like this, he never asked his father if he regretted what he did when frustration got the best of him, but he knows there's not been a time when he hasn't felt guilty once the anger has subsided, and this time's not different.

He doesn't know what's so...unique about his relationship with Cody. Maybe it's that he's never had a friendship as open as theirs, or the fact that Cody's so easy to be around that Noel forgets what he supposed to feel, either way, he's noticed a subtle change on his part and it frightens him.

He's felt his heart rate quicken more with his friend than with any of Noel's past girlfriends, the fluttering sound loud in his ears any time Cody did something nice, like bringing him his favorite coffee or putting the heating pad on his neck whenever he saw Noel struggle with his shoulder; His palms would get sweaty when they unintentionally touched each other, a gentle arm pressed firmly at his lower back as Cody guided them through crowds; Noel can clearly remember that time when they were so exhausted with editing that Cody fell asleep on his shoulder, laptop propped loosely on his lap and Netflix playing on the background, Noel stayed still for almost an hour, not wanting to wake his friend up. Small reactions like that kept happening, freaking him out more each time. He even thought that maybe he wasn't used to a healthy relationship, so any kind of attention brought out unwanted feelings, but Noel knew that wasn't true nor fair to his past relationships. He's had amazing people through time, he even got close to feeling love before, but the time wasn't right and he knew no one had to carry his trauma for him.

So he's had those almost perfect glimpses of what he's yearned for so long but no constant...none except for Cody.

His friend made Noel question everything about himself, but his father's words were a hard remark on his head, fighting against what he knew to be right, _'real men are not gay, boy',_ the repressed memory comes to the front of his mind and this time, just this time Noel doesn't push it back.

He was young, way too young to understand what was happening, and his mother had the Nightshift, leaving young Noel alone with his father, never a good situation for him, but he did as his mom told him and he stayed in his room without making a sound. He was just playing with his sister's doll, his small fingers tangling its hair into what he remembers to be a great braid but was probably a shitty attempt when he barged through the door, he can almost taste the metallic panic he felt as the plastic thing was wrenched from his hands and he was dragged to his feet. Noel couldn't hear through his haze what his father was screaming but he knows that phrase got scorched into his mind and body through tears that night.

He didn't play with dolls ever again and the hard plank with the screw on one end that his father kept under Noel's bed made him cringe until his last day in that house.

He unclenches the strong grip he has on his comforter as he comes back to his room, Noel doesn't cry, he hasn't cried for his past-self in years, but he feels his throat close off as his gaze stays unmoving on the ceiling.

He obviously knows that's not true, he's met enough people in general to know that those words are not the truth...that isn't the truth in anyone's case but his, those words aren't truth but to himself.

"Dinner's on the table," he hears Cody say resignedly and Noel lets out an almost muted whine before he gets on his feet and crosses the small room.

Cody's already sitting there, his frame twisted so his feet can rest on the chair as he eats a piece of pizza with one hand across his knees, the small screen lets him know he's scrolling aimlessly through Twitter and Noel lets the scene before him warm his body before he drops down on the other chair. "thought you wouldn't come out today, "Cody says without looking up from his phone and Noel reckons he deserves it. "Sorry… about- earlier, I was having a hard time with anxiety and stuff," he hates himself for lying and manipulating him, but he hates himself even more for making Cody upset in the first place. "It's good, as long as you're okay now?" His friend asks earnestly and he nods just to see that soft smile on his face again. Once he has the affirmative, Cody unravels his position to a more open one as he talks about streams and funny videos he has for him, Noel just leans back and eats his pizza while that sunny voice calms down any remaining nerves he has.

Fuck his dad, he remembers the words clearly, there's no damn need to repeat them every time Cody makes him feel loved and accepted.

Noel washes the dishes as Cody's perched on the countertop searching for a movie to watch, "what about lights out? From that short film, remember?" He asks, Noel dries his hands before turning to see the trailer, and if he stands a little too close against Cody's open legs well that's between God and himself. "sure thing, I'll make popcorn and you set everything up," he says, and Cody jumps off the table.

His friend stops right in front of him, and Noel knows he should feel awkward...uncomfortable at least, with Cody's chest inches away from his, and his bright eyes prodding too close against his mask. Noel knows he should step back, but he can't find it in him to feel anything but safe under his gaze, he watches amazed as Cody's face morphs into something softer, welcoming. "so yeah, I'll go and do that," he answers Noel's forgotten question, breaking the strange trance they found themselves in. Noel shakes his head getting rid of any unwanted fucking thoughts as his friend moves away from his body and out into the living room. He puts everything on the small coffee table before sitting on the other side of the couch willing himself to relax, Cody starts the movie and they fall into an easy silence.

The food's long gone when his friend twitches one last time before he's pressed firmly against Noel, who pretends not to notice anything, when in reality his whole body feels lit on fire. but he didn't initiate the contact, so he's not too bothered with his reaction, _it's not Noel's fault, what's he supposed to do? Push him away and be an asshole?_ "Fucking Christ!" Cody cries out when the fried thing jumps on the screen, making Noel snicker. "What's so funny, You insensitive dick?" Cody pokes his ribs and Noel squirms away from the touch, "I wouldn't say insensitive per se." He wiggles his eyebrows at Cody, who stops moving before a full laugh is ripped from his chest, "man, you're so lame."

"C'mon Princess, I'll protect you," Noel jokes as he tucks a struggling Cody under his arm, they fight for a moment but when a loud scream comes from the screen their attention is brought back to the movie. Cody lays back on his arm and Noel doesn't know what to do, does he dislodge his friend from his side? Or can he indulge in the pleasant feeling for a while?

The decision is taken out of his hands as his friend props his feet on the table and squirms a little until he finds what Noel guesses is an even better position, with half of Cody's weight on his torso as he faces the screen. "You mind if I fall asleep?" He asks so casually, as if Noel's brain isn't going into overdrive. His subconscious betrays him and he's shaking his head no before he can right himself, Cody doesn't see him but he takes the lack of an answer as a positive and tops it off by laying his head on his chest, they stay like that for the rest of the movie.

Noel doesn't know what to do with his outstretched hand, so he clenches and unclenches it to distract himself from all the questions and doubts he suddenly has rummaging his mind.

All the wondering and internal disputes he's been having leave Noel with a headache. _A friendship is not supposed to hurt or trouble you more, friends don't have to be confusing or ambiguous,_ Noel thinks, his eyes are glued to the top of Cody's blonde hair and his fingers ache for something he doesn't know, so he averts his gaze and instead he stares unseeing ahead. This is the first time Noel realized how very tired he is with this whole situation.

Cody pinches his index finger in between his own to get his attention, "the credits are that interesting to you, my protector?" He asks and even if Noel can hear the humor in his voice, his thoughts swirl even faster at the pet name, _what does it all mean?_ "Not more than you, that's for sure," he hears his voice flirt back but Noel is sure that's not him, maybe he's high? But no, he knows he hadn't smoked anything that day, so _what the fuck is wrong with him?_

Cody laughs, oblivious to his internal panic, his fingertips still tapping softly against Noel's and it's like an out of body experience, the touch feels dull and if his eyes weren't fixed on the movement, Noel's sure he would've missed it. "Wait here, I wanna do something," his friend says as he stands up to go to his room, switching the light on as he goes. Noel doesn't move, too afraid to lose the warmth lingering on his side.

"Dude, you gotta promise me you won't laugh," Cody says holding something behind him. "You're asking too much," he shrugs, surprised at how normal he sounded. "I hate you so much," he

Shakes his head but sits at the edge of the couch, Cody unfolds his fist and Noel feels the base of his spine itch. "See, I wanted to do this for the longest time, but I was a little scared, I guess." He cuts Noel off thinking he's going to say something, but his head is weirdly quiet. "I know, a girly move from my part but I no longer care, I wanna live my truth," Cody jokes as he twists open the small tube of nail polish. "Would you do the honors, protector?" He asks him and Noel's neck cramps up as the tension in his body amplifies. His hands shake a little, smudging the dark paint on Cody's pinky finger, but he has never seen him smile as brightly as he's doing right now, admiring his work as if it was a masterpiece. "Keep going man, this is going to look so cool," he exclaims as if it was that easy, that innocent.

This is Noel's breaking point, hatred coils sourly in the pit of his stomach, and he knows the fallout is going to wreak him whole, but he doesn't care anymore.

"I can't do this," he states sharply, making Cody jump back a little, his expression hardens but he's able to see confusion and even a glimpse of hurt. "Why? If it's because you're not good at-" he tries to coax Noel out of his sudden discomfort but he quickly cuts him off, "no, of course it's not that! What do you mean _why?_ " He gets on his feet, feeling too pent up to be still, "because it's wrong!" He's almost screaming now, Cody's eyes water at his outburst and Noel sees red.

"It's not normal, Cody! We are not okay, nothing about this is okay." He gestures at the space between them as he pads across the room, his hands come up to brush over his short hair and he can't seem to tamper his rage. "Every time we're together, something awkward has to happen, I'm tired of acting as if what we do isn't wrong!" He takes a big gulp of air but nothing fills his lungs, Noel feels like he's choking on nothing.

"What are you saying, man?" Cody asks incredulous, "If it was so bad to you, you could've just said something… it's just a fucking nail polish!" He says getting more aggravated, Noel scoffs loudly and takes the thing in his hand again. "This isn't just about this, you fool! You think I'm this crazy?" He proves his point by wrenching the small brush out of its container and spreading it haphazardly on his own nail, a few drops hit the wooden floor, but he's too gone to notice. " It's more than that, and being...this, doing this, it's not okay," he waves his hand each time he says _this_ , and Cody's face finally changes from hurt to blank. "What's _this,_ Noel _,_ hum _?_ " He asks with an almost feral smile. "Too afraid to even say it? C'mon, strong boy, it's not okay to be what?" He taunts him and Noel feels something else trying to surface against the anger, but he shoots it down with a growl. "It's not okay to act gay!" Noel screams at him, but he feels incredibly small even if Cody's the one sitting down.

" _Real men are not gay, Cody!"_ He finishes his little tantrum with a gasp, and Noel doesn't move as his friend storms out of the apartment. "Well shit, I must be a ghost then." Cody slams the door without looking back and Noel freezes, "Shit, fuck!" He curses before hurling the nail polish at the marble door.

His knees hit the hard floor as black liquid drips down in front of him and the breaking glasses scatter the ground.


	2. Chapter 2

6 declined calls to Cody

[ 3 unread messages]

It's been two days since Cody left their home and Noel spent most of that time cooling down, of course that looking back, he wasn't proud of a single thing that happened, and if he could he would go back and just kick himself off the face of the fucking earth, but it still took for him to wake up in a cold house and an empty kitchen to somewhat realize what he'd lost. He didn't eat that first day, a new wariness weighed him down as he tried to understand why he felt so broken. This time he let himself dive in it, he at least owed Cody that, Noel couldn't come up with an answer, but the sense of guilt grew bigger and bigger as he replayed the events.

So Noel is here, in this awful edge that he's neared too many times in life to really blame his friend, and he's sure if he could see him one more time, if he could make Cody understand his fear and just plain terror, he would jump in, he would do it for him even without knowing what would happen next. He's sure because Noel's already memorized Cody's touches just before everything went to shit, and the once alarming grazes are now the only thing tethering him to his body. 

And it's only been two days, holy fuck, how can Noel be so dense, why did he had to lose him for Noel to figure out what it all meant?

it's not just their severed relationship, he knows that was his fault, and he'll mourn that loss once his pride deflates, but Noel's also sick with worry. He's called every single one of their friends and no one knows where Cody is, he's had half a thought to ring every damn hotel in this city but he knows it's useless, if Cody doesn't want to be found, he would not be found. The only thing Noel can do is wait until he comes back, because he has to come back, because he will not entertain even the thought of Cody not coming back.

So that's what he'll do, Noel will sit on the couch, eating take out only, and wait until his friend crosses that front door, and once he does, Noel doesn't know what he'll do, but he'll do something.

He's just finished ordering some pizza, again, when a hard knock on the door makes him drop his phone, Noel doesn't bother to pick it up as he bolts, and even as he hits his knee against the edge of the table, he reaches for the doorknob and twists it open. 

Spock's stiff frame is on the other side of the door with a bag over his shoulder, he huffs and turns to sit back. "What's up? You know anything about Cody?" He asks, searching his screen for new cracks. "Yeah, I do." His friend's unusually short response makes Noel focus back on him. "And…what did he say? Is he okay?" He asks but Spock just stares at Noel, "he told me what happened." Spock crosses his arms tightly over his chest and this is probably the first time he's seen him this mad. "I'm sorry," Noel doesn't know why he said that, but he's desperate to feel anything other than upset and worried. 

"Fuck that, you aren’t sorry about shit." His friend-ex friend? Pushes past him and goes into Cody's room, he slams the door for good measure but Noel already got the message.

_He doesn't want to come back, God, What the fuck? What's he supposed to do now? Cody doesn't want to come back._

He's so fixated on the panic he's feeling that he almost missed Spock as he was going out the door, "no! Wait man, please." He says, making him stop. he'll beg everyone and anyone at this point, he just needs to know. "Wait just, how- please Spock, how is he?" His friend turns around and stares him down, Noel hadn't realized how blank his expression can be. "Why do you care?" It's fair, he knows it's a fair question, Noel knows he would've been even more of an asshole if it was him at the other side of this, but it still hurts, it still stings.

"Of course I care, he's my best friend, even if we're fighting." Spock shakes his head incredulously and drops the bag at his feet. "Fighting, Noel? Me forgetting it's your birthday and you bitching about it is a fight-" he stops in front of him and even if he's standing, Noel feels small, _he's felt so small since that night_ , "-but what you did? Without him doing anything? That's fucked up, and just plain wrong," he stabs his finger at Noel's chest and he can see Spock's cheeks reddening with rage.

"He shows up at my place, in the middle of the night, shaking and drenched from head to toe because he couldn't even drive and you say it's just a fight? An itty bitty fight and he's just overreacting?" _You did this, you did this to Cody, you deserve this_. "I didn't mean what I said, Spock I just, I got scared and he-" his friend cuts him off, "it's your fault, it's your own fucking fault don't you dare cry." He didn't notice when his eyes watered but once he dried them harshly, Spock's already back at the door.

He isn't looking at him, but Spock's words pierce through him all the same. "I warned him, I told him to be careful and you made me be right," he bends down to grab what Noel guesses are Cody's things before he finishes, "I don't think he can forgive this one, man."

And then he's just gone, leaving Noel standing in the middle of the living room with a broken screen and a dejected feeling choking down his throat.

2 Missed calls to Cody

(1 delivered voicemail)

_God, please Cody, I just- I didn't know...come back Cody, I swear I didn't mean it._

Missed call to Cody

_Where are you, dude? I went to Spock's and you weren't there anymore, I just… I need to talk to you, please let's just talk._

3 missed calls to Cody

_It's been like a week, where the fuck are you? This shit isn’t funny, you had your time, come back and face this or what, you're just gonna not come back, ever again? Your shit's still here, you can't leave everything behind… you can't just leave me behind._

Noel's coming back from his daily search through the city. This time he decided to go up the stairs instead of the elevator. It's stupid, everything about this is stupid but he can't risk missing Cody when he comes, and knowing his friend, well Noel can't never be too careful.

He doesn't even know how much money he's spent in gas this week, but after his fight with Spock, he can't stay still for too long. The chance of losing Cody too high for him to be prideful about it, so he's taken finding him into his own hands, his search's been fruitless but at least by the time he's back at their home he's exhausted and ready to fall face first into Cody's bed and be done with another day.

He's ready to do just that when a light coming from behind the slightly open door makes him stop dead on his tracks. _Could he- he's the only one with- Noel_ cuts his train of thought, not wanting to be hopeful just for it to be someone else again… _or shit, maybe someone broke in._

Noel comes up to the door slowly, ready for about anything but what was on the other side.

Cody's carrying a box from his room but Noel's too awestruck by his sight alone to really see anything past tha, he seems tired, his hair's grown since the last time they saw each other and he looks vulnerable under the black hoodie, _Noel's hoodie_ , that thought alone jerks him out of his trance and he comes into the living room before swiftly closing the door behind him. The sound startles Cody, making him drop the box on the floor, his eyes widen and Noel can see a slight quiver in his bottom lip. "Uhm… I got your message so I came to take some things with me," Cody stammers out, wringing his hands nervously, and Noel feels dread twine in his lungs. "Some things?" 

_What the fuck, brain? That's where we're going? We're just gonna be dumb, hum?_

Cody looks at him aghast before shaking his head. "Yeah, you can throw away what's left, I guess," he says sounding calm but Noel knows him, he knows the man standing in front of him, he's seen him act and pretend as though nothing matters when he was broken, and this is no different. "I didn't mean it!" He blurts out, Cody looks a little lost standing in the middle of the room, and Noel doesn't even know where to start. "Didn't mean what?" He asks looking around. "Well I didn't mean to ask that, first of all, it's just… you surprised me," he scraps the back of his head as he drops the phone on the table, Cody moves back a little and Noel could cry, he really could. 

"Okay, I'll just ask someone else to come get the rest then." He didn't think it would be this hard, he's thought of everything he wanted to say once he got the chance but now that Cody's right there, looking barely put together, Noel can't come up with one thing. 

"Where have you been? I was worried," he says softly. Cody scoffs a little but his voice comes neutral, "first went to Spock's, then to an Airbnb, I've been looking for places so don't worry about it." Noel would prefer Cody screaming at him instead of sounding so defeated. "Why are you doing this?" 

"You're joking right? Did you fucking forget what happened? -" his face hardens and Noel's glad, he'll take the beating if that's what it'll take for him to stay, "-you have your views and I can't take what I said back, so what's left here to do?" Cody finishes with sorrow in his tone. "Didn't you hear my messages?" Noel asks, confused.

_He already said he didn't fucking mean it, why doesn't anyone believes him?_

"I listened to your last one, and you sounded pretty mad so I figured I'd save myself the tears." His friend tries to joke or maybe he's not joking, but Noel's too focused on fixing them to tell.

"I say that I didn't mean what I said that night...in the other ones, the voicemail uhm that you didn't- you get what I mean." He's disastrously bad at this, but he's just scared of losing his friend. 

"You meant them, I know you Noel, those words weren't just the heat of the moment."

"Well yes I meant them but-" Cody stops him with a sharp laugh and Noel realizes what he just said, "no! I didn't meant them about you...if you're, you know, gay. But to me they're true and you were touching me and I- holy fuck what am I saying?" Noel's hands are shaking and he feels like he's going to burst out in tears at any second, he's losing Cody and the thought is just too much, everything is too much, he can't lose him, he can't...

"Noel! Breath with me, c'mon you're panicking just breathe, you're okay." He feels Cody's warm body close to him and he can't help the tear now, can he? Cody still cares. "I'm sorry, God, I'm so sorry I didn't mean what I say, believe me, I know I hurt you, and I know I don't deserve it but please, just let me explain, just hear me out… you can't just leave," he's rambling and tears are streaming down his face but he pushes against Cody's stretched arm, making him sit on the ground too. "Talk then," Cody says before moving away a little, Noel wants to protest but Spock's words ring hard and clear on his mind _'it's your own fucking fault'_.

"That's what my father used to tell me… what I said that night, and it's not an excuse nor am I trying to pity you into forgiving me, but I need you to understand why I reacted the way I did...you're so free Cody, sometimes it feels like you're miles away from where I am and I'm just stuck there in my past, too scared to do anything about it, and when I saw you so easily breaking everything beaten into my brain...I don't know, I got scared, man." He takes a big gulp of air before continuing.

"Being gay is not wrong, and a 'real men' isn't anything, what the fuck does that even mean?" He's fascinated by Cody's small giggle and hope starts blooming in his chest. "But what I'm trying to say is that I never meant those words towards you or anyone other than me and I hope, god I really hope you can forgive me," he finishes and even if Cody's looking at him wary, there's still a pinch of something open behind his mask. "You're really okay with it? Me being gay and all?" He asks carefully and Noel nods. Cody searches his face for something but Noel seems to pass some test as he sees his friend finally smile. "I forgive you, asshole." Noel laughs wetly before resting his head on the couch. "Thanks fuck for that, you can't imagine the hell I've been through." He cringes even before Cody fires back, " you poor thing, so misunderstood, it's not like I thought for a whole week my best friend hated me for being who I was or anything." Noel covers his face with his hands embarrassed of even talking.

_man you're really something else, hum brain? That's why I'm frying you with cigs, you useless thing_.

"You didn't take it off?" He hears Cody ask and it takes him a second to get what he was talking about. "No, we don't have any acetone," he looks at his painted nail and shrugs.

They fall into a heavy silence before Cody breaks it again, "did I- uhm, did I read too much into us? It's okay if you're honest, swear I won't be mad." His voice sounds small all of the sudden and Noel braces himself before answering, "no, you didn't." He holds his breath and prays.

"I think we could've been something good," Cody shakes his head with a sad smile and Noel feels like someone pulled the rug beneath him, "you don't want m-uhm, you don't wanna try anymore?" He asks brokenly and Cody turns his head around almost giving himself whiplash. "But what you said about your father and your things with being gay and all that stuff, I thought that, well." Cody is almost vibrating with energy and Noel really missed him, enough to try. "Therapy, I guess-" he says but adds quickly, "-for me! Therapy for my issues, not yours… not like you have issues or anything, I mean." 

"You're really cute when you're nervous, you know?" Cody says abruptly, making Noel blush even more. "God, I hate you," he says through his hands and Cody just laughs.

"Cody?" Noel asks as he leaves the keys and his phone by the door. 

"In the kitchen, honey," Cody says mimicking a woman's voice that makes them both laugh. "Good thing you're a man and not whatever that voice belonged to," Noel pokes fun but Cody just looks brightly at him. "How was it?" He asks curious as he turns off the stove and brings two plates down.

"Good, she seems like a nice one, I guess." There's no need to tell him how he cried at his first appointment. "I'm glad you liked it." He pours them wine but there's something nagging at the back of Noel's head. "Can I tell you something," he asks and Cody tenses for a moment before looking back at him. "I promise I won't get mad," Cody says and Noel doesn't know how he got so lucky.

"It's dumb but I just wanted you to know that you can touch me, it's just that since you came back… maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't know if you're feeling some type of way, don't." Cody looks surprised but he reaches cautiously for his arm. "You want me to? I thought you'll want to wait and sort some things first, or something? I didn't want to pressure you." He puts both hands on his shoulders and Noel smiles, "yeah, I- uhm I like it when you touch me, it's easier that way." He hides on Cody's neck but hands on each side of his face make him look up into welcoming eyes.

"I love you, like only ghosts can love," Cody says and it's unbelievably corny, but the tender words still bring tears to Noel's eyes as he closes the distance for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments & kudos,  
> You'll are too nice🌻


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